So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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