Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
