If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
