Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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