Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
