Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
