i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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