it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
