Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
