She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
