Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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