my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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