Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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