I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
