You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
