Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
