So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
