She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
