i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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