So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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