I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
