i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
