After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize