Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
