Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize