Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
