college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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