The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All I want is dick and wine.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
