He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
