Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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