that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
