??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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