I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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