i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
