as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
