I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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