Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
