Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This is my gift to your gina
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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