oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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