I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
