At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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