Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
