I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He better not be in your backpack
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
