HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
