so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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