the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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