Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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