he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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