soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
