my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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