he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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