he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
