I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
