dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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