I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
