Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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