i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
